the same words again, but different

posted on 09/27/2024

for what we dont understand as people, we call dumb. i remember hours of scrolling upon a lack of sleep a dissonance from my mind and what i was seeing. it all seemed unreal to me, none of it seemed or felt real, and to be honest, it still doesnt. is this what we made life? jesus this is horrible. i hate it here. i remember distinct dreams of walking in the early morning sun listening to calm music, making it something i would "kill" to do. what i was really feeling was the urge to cut more from my life than i was willing to and replacing it with alternatives that seemed to be good for me. it really doesn't make sense to me, not what i want to achieve, but why im still doing this to myself. the happiest ive felt in ages are when im interacting with what i love. video games, music, movies, why cant i just do it? maybe ill feel motivated when i get out of bed in the morning, but the bed is too comfortable for me to even gather the motivation to get out of bed to actually care. in response, i spend hours scrolling consuming content that is catered to get me angry to interact with it. i feel more stupid interacting with this garbage, the dopamine rush isn't even worth it anymore. the content designed to make me angry makes me feel the dumbest when i get into it, i repeat this phrase, "bait used to be believable" while i go and give my time and effort to rage bait content i have problems discerning from reality. i hate social media, every time i open the app, impending doom lays upon me. it's not worth it. i care about too much stuff at a time and its going to be my downfall. but i should start working on it, because if i keep this up, bad things are bound to happen. i dont really know what to write, or do i know what im supposed to be doing. i should do what i feel is right, and fortunately, this feels right. i need to fix my life. thats really all i have to say. i repeat this like 12 times a week but it'll only mean anything if i do something about it.


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