i don't ever talk about this publicly because i dont really see the need / should be semi obvious but i am autistic. ive been diagnosed since 2012 and ive slowly gotten better overtime but the one aspect i find myself struggling with is relationships, more specifically romantically. i have always had this underlying feeling of wanting a girlfriend, ive never had one before. i dont know why or where it came from but i wish it would go away because it bothers me so much. i guess it stems from the loneliness i feel i suffer from because i don't really relate to anyone. its not really a surprise though, there is an extremely large link between autism and loneliness as there's a multitude of reasons, mostly due to an lack of communication, social awareness and not being able to process or tell what other people are feeling. ive gotten better with the general emotions because they have shown to me one way or another (sadness, happiness, anger, etc.). ive seen it so i know what it looks like, now i dont know how to deal with them properly just yet but i am entirely aware of these emotions, but with romantic feelings, im completely lost. i have never had someone show romantic interest to me in person, only through text / dating apps so its really hard for me to detect how someone else is feeling on that front. even if it was the case, its hard for me to even tell if they feel that way because im in the opinion that thinking about someone romantically and thinking about it too much could lead to possible delusion, which is not fun for anyone. social skills is also an issue, i dont know how to talk to people properly, its still hard for me to talk to my friends without feeling like bad just because i dont know what to say back or whatnot, its hard for me to talk to people long enough if its about a topic i have no idea what to talk about or hold no interest in.
now, i am not claiming autism is the sole reason its like this, thats horribly misguided and not the truth at all, but i do wonder how much of it does have a hand to what im currently dealing with. i think everyone has pros and cons, thats just how we are, but i think about how much autism seems to affect mine. im willing to say im a caring person, i care deeply about a lot of the people closest to me even if it seems like i don't talk to them much outside of art, theyre people i have a lot of respect and love for so im going to show it some way or another. so… why is this a problem romantically? its a question i get myself knocked on for a long time and i still don't have a conclusive answer. i dont know, i don't think ill ever know, but the thought eats up my brain all the time which leads me to feeling sad or depressed all the time. i clearly dont know how to even talk about it properly without trailing off like ive feel ive done several times already, so why am i so caught up on it? i think its a way for me to quell my loneliness, which is lame because that just sounds like i wanna use my (hypothetical) partner just for some type of validation which feels off to me. all of this makes me think though...
do i even want a relationship?
the answer is yes, i do. it sounds a little sad but im not going to sit here and lie to myself saying i dont want one, and that i'm better off alone. i have absolutely zero idea if im better off alone or not, i dont have the experience to know. i do recognize a lot of my efforts were wrongly placed and a lot of my failed efforts have came off as me being weird or creepy, but how much of that was because of my autism? knew we'd get back to the original topic at hand eventually. i would say i am, decent enough. i consider myself to look good, i have a likable personality (according to others) and a lot of people close to me have said they could see me in a relationship, so what is the problem? if i had to guess, not knowing how to show my emotions properly? ive had people show interest in me and i have shown it back but i, without fail, have always messed something up unknowingly, and it was too late when i figured out what went wrong.
i really hate talking about my lack of a relationship and why it makes me feel like utter garbage, it feels so incel-ish to me. there is no reason to feel like an incel because i want to feel something i feel deprived of, but it always make me wonder if the result to any of this is because of autism. its a dumb to thing to tie together but it makes sense considering all the social issues i tend to suffer with, but it makes me wonder if i even want a relationship at all or a scapegoat to not feel as lonely as i do in my daily life. i don't know the answer, i don't think i ever will, i just want to stop having these thoughts. it gets difficult trying to stray away from them as my sadness from loneliness, which is something i deal with daily, is the sole encompassing factor of it. being told to "take a walk" and "do something you like" isn't going to take my mind off of it, just prolong the inevitable emotion. i don't think people truly understand how i feel (not to sound like joker), i can only talk about how it feels and people can just gather from there.
tl:dr: probably? idk. i wish this soul crushing feeling would stop though.
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