Letting Go

Posted on 03/20/2023

I've been thinking for a hot minute about life and I've just learned to let go. I've felt like I've been in a mindset I quite frankly despise because of one simple thing, not letting go of past experiences or items in my life. I've been spending the last few weeks getting rid of items in my life that don't mean much to me anymore or see any value in keeping around because they remind me of a time where I felt pretty worthless as a person and seeing the mindset I was in at that time clearly does not give any positives to the way I am now. Is it out of impulse, do I really need to get rid of these items in my life? Yes, to both, it sucks trying to be the person who I display myself as, as I'm some sort of depressed loser that no one loves or whatever dumb feeling I'm feeling at that point. I need to stop lingering on useless emotions that do nothing for me in the long run. Whenever I get depressed I usually try and drag that out as long as I can, I'm still not sure as to why that ends up being the case, but it always does and it's annoying. I'm ready to let go, and I'm tired of this warped perception of me that I made up to myself. I genuinely have no idea of what that person is, but if I had to guess it's the amalgamation of emotions going through me when I end up being depressed. It hurts to look on the outside to see what I'm putting myself and, more importantly, friends through. I feel bad to some extent with how much I drag out my emotions and how much I linger on them, but I'm not sure if that's a normal reaction to emotions or what, but it's how I end up dealing with emotions and usually end up with self-loathing as a result in some form or another. I don't know why I feel bad for it though, I'm not lying or exaggerating how I genuinely feel at that point. If anything it's most likely because of just putting them through what I'm feeling, I've been becoming more aware that being a downer usually has the same effect on other people. I need to change my ways, for one reason or another but for the mere fact that my life is going to be changing in two months. I often think about how my life would turn out if I kept up the same mentality as I do now and quite frankly, I absolutely despise the outcome. Not a single positive thing about it. It's possible what I conjured up is a result of pessimism and that would likely be the case, but whatever it may be, it's something I want to avoid entirely. The idea of letting go is one most desirable to me for a multitude of reasons, the most glaring one is things in the past eating me up. I hate getting reminded of my past, what I once was and often I get embarrassed, rather than appreciate what I turned into from that point, but in reality both would require thinking back at times where I wasn't happy with myself and I would just end up getting upset as a result, every single time. I often look back at various time points and realize I'm just not a happy camper. I never have been, I've spent my entire teen years miserable over one thing or another, from 2018 all the way until now. I wish I could fondly look back at these years but the reality is these years have been essentially nothing to me. I don't feel one way or another about the time I've spent these last 5 years, it often feels lifeless. I'm hoping with the life changing opportunity coming up, I can soon change my ways and end up being a better person than I am led to believe, letting go is just step one, but there's more to come. Until then, I'll see you all next time, whenever that may be.

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