I'm scared of what I can possibly become. I'm 18 now, and that causes for a lot of stress on my personal life. I want to live life the best that I can but I don't think I can in this situation. This all sounds worrying but it's really not. I feel misguided in my efforts, something isn't right and I can't exactly explain as to why or what I can possibly do to feel any better than I already have been for the past month. I'm sitting in a dark room right now with no sound coming through, the only noises with me are my thoughts and the keys I'm pressing to typem and it's given me a lot to think about. I need to get better at everything, not just this one specific thing, or that specific thing, but everything surrounding me. It's tough figuring out how to do so, since everything around me seems to not tell me the things I can do to improve. I want to be left alone but I need someone there. Someone who can really get me or understand the type of person I am and my wants and needs, but I'm finding it harder and harder to find any hope in doing so. I'm alone, desolate, frightened, scared, stressed, worried, confused, and everything between those emotions right now, and I want someone to help me with those emotions on the way through. It's only something I can find happiness in, it's sad but it's the truth. I am a miserable person when I'm alone, I become hateful, spiteful and overall lifeless because of a lack of motivation. Happiness motivates me, and since I can't find happiness, I feel forever stuck this way regardless of how life is going. The need of another being in life feels mandatory at this point, something I can't brush off no matter how much I really want to, it almost feels like a contradiction of itself, doesn't it? I feel like my brain is entrapping me in some type of mental prison where the walls are pink and are girly but the everlying feeling is guilt, dread and pathetic attempts of solace. I want to be free, I NEED to be free in order to do something worth my time, my life being a constant repeat of the same things over and over again is driving me insane, I wish I can do it, but it feels impossible. It always does. The light at the end of the tunnel keeps appearing but the light always goes out before I get there. I need to feel loved in order to have a reason, if there's no reason, I'm existing without a cause, I hate that my life has gotten to this point. It's truly the worst, but there's not much I can do about it. I've given up on any type of hope coming my way, so now I must revel in the misery I've caused to myself, making me more fragile and limpless as time goes on. I want to exist with a purpose, I want to exist with a cause, but what's the point of any of it when nobody is there to hear you out or actually care about your needs. It hurts me, a lot, I could be doing something worth my time but I just end up feeling the same way I end up feeling about everything else, pointless and dull. Being the way that I am, it only feels like all the pain I'm dealing with was all caused on me, and if I open up about it or even imply that it could be someone elses fault only ends up in me being scolded often because of the unfathomable idea that a higher presence can be wrong about something, or too up their ass to notice anything. I wish I was dealt a better hand, I wish I was a normal person, I wish I didn't end up this way, I wish I could talk to people normally, I wish I had something to look forward to, I just wish to be anybody but whatever I am now. I often think of other people and wish I was like them, people who have friends that are willing to hang out, friends that aren't miserable to be around, friends that just, want to actually be friends. I;ve always envied those who had simple things like a desk in their room or cool looking lights. I always wanted a fire place in my backyard where me and my friends could hang out on the weekends and be chill, all of this stuff sounds like it'd be normal things to an ordinary person, but they're something I've always wanted of my own but could never achieve. I just wanted a normal childhood. Knowing that will never happen kind of depresses me. I sometimes wish I was never into the stuff that I am, or be autistic because it feels like such a burden on what my life could've been. I live here with no purpose, this wretched place leaving behind only nothing but bad memories and maybe a few good ones if I dig hard enough. All purpose this place had to me dropped, I want to get out there, I want to experience life. I'm tired of existing in this small bubble where the only people I talk to are people I don't like and my parents, I wish I felt like I can stick through to the end, I want to have that drive, that motivation, just anything that could keep me going. I feel miserable, nothing more, nothing less. I've been typing for quite a bit, I have nothing more to say really, but I felt it's important to at least get some of this stuff out. If you know, you know, and if you don't, don't worry about it.

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